Women and Superwomen by Jilly Cooper

Author:Jilly Cooper
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781448135059
Publisher: Random House

TALL GIRLS

Stand about at parties looking gentle and apologetic like Great Danes. Women’s magazines are always exhorting them to play up their height with high heels, so they bang their heads on the ceiling, and to wear bold dramatic prints so they can hook bold dramatic princes.

GROUPIES: PHALLUS IN WONDERLAND

A teenage friend tells me that “promiscuous” is a word that doesn’t exist any more, because everyone is. Groupies are girls that specialise in sleeping with pop singers, which can’t be much fun. They are inhabited rather than inhibited, wear non-stick frying pants and have eyes that don’t drop quickly enough but knickers that do.

In America really classy groupies decorate their walls with plaster casts made of their own private parts and the members of famous pop stars they have slept with. Flying Fucks rather than ducks, I suppose.

COUNTRY GIRLS

Have pink cheeks, flat shoes, clean underwear, and an innocent but healthy attitude towards sex, having seen so many animals copulate and give birth. When they visit London they’re easy to pick out because they’re so much more done up than anyone else.

TOMBOYS

Tomboys have ruffable hair, freckled faces, scarred knees from climbing trees, big nipples, small breasts, and often go as men to fancy dress parties.

“I was a terrible tomboy at school,” is the cue for long boring reminiscences about how naughty they were. They refer to their boy friends as “my chap” or “my bloke”, and like being spanked for sexual kicks because it recreates the stormy relationship they had with Miss Pickersgill at school.

THE BRICK

A brick is the sort of girl you fall back on rather than forward onto. She’s the good sport who doesn’t mind being blown to bits in cars, or freezing on the touchline, and is happy to go dutch and drink half pints. She reads the sports pages, and does the Telegraph crossword in half an hour, inking out the clues as she goes. The Brick drives her own car, which she lends to men to take out prettier girls, and is always left to do all the cooking when she goes sailing. Men treat her very badly. They often mean it literally when they say in the pub: “I dropped a frightful brick last night.”

“I say—steady on old girl.”

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